It’s Behind You! Oh No It Isn’t… Oh Yes It Is…The Great Pantomime Season!

Apologies for the length of this, but once I got going I just couldn’t stop. Now you can see why I hadn't posted for so long!

So you’ll remember that Mrs H3 and I booked to go and see a few panto’s last, and this year after the success of our previous foray into the world of Peter Pan with the lovely Paul Michael Glaser in 2007. By the time we’d finished deciding which ones to attend we had booked quite a few and the full season is as follows:

29th Nov – Maidstone – Jack and the Beanstalk
6th Dec – Bromley – Cinderella
13th Dec – Croydon – Peter Pan
18th Dec – Tunbridge Wells – Aladdin
23rd Dec – Chatham - Cinderella
3rd Jan – Catford – Snow White & the 7 Dwarfs
23rd Jan – Rainham – Mother Goose

Jack and the Beanstalk

So on 29th November the Pantomime season began in earnest with a trip to the Hazlitt Theatre for the first night of their panto – Jack and the Beanstalk which starred Jake Hendricks (Father Kieron from Hollyoaks apparently – you know soaps aren’t a strong point of mine) and Michael Fenton Stevens (Mr Griffith from My Family, although he’s better known (to me at least) for all sorts of other things as I found when I looked him up on Google). It also starred a guy called Tom Swift as Simple Simon and he really was the star of the show.

Now as I mentioned in an earlier post the Hazlitt Theatre really is very small so it wasn’t the most lavish production ever staged and being the first night it was rather rough-edged, but the show had a certain charm about it that made it enjoyable for all that. Poor Jack seemed rather out of his depth in places and his lack of audience interaction (even though the cast went into the audience several times) showed that he had obviously never done panto before, but also quite probably had never seen one either. Fortunately, Simple Simon and the Dame more than made up for any shortcomings of the rest of the cast.

Sitting in the front row of the rear section of the stalls, Mrs H3 and I enthusiastically took part in the show, joining in with the singing and the boos and the hisses and maybe went a little over the top with our participation when we returned one of the outsize balloons during a quiet and poignant moment in the show. Mrs H3 also started the first of what was to become regular interactions with the cast when she shouted “Don’t do it!” when Jack asked Jill to marry him.

It was during this pantomime that the funniest child moment of the season occurred. Simon got the kids up on stage to sing Old MacDonald and each child had to choose an animal. Believe me when I say the whole theatre cried with laughter when one enterprising young boy chose a scorpion as his animal. Mrs H3 and I were laughing so hard that we never got to hear exactly how a scorpion sounds, but it was a brilliant comedy moment.

Cinderella

The next visit was to Bromley where we had seen Paul Michael Glaser the year before, to see Cinderella starring Steve Guttenberg and Helen Lederer. From our seats in the third row of the stalls it was instantly clear that about ten times the budget of Maidstone had been spent on this panto – mainly on glitter which adorned just about every surface. The costumes were lush, Steve Guttenberg was excellent as were the Ugly Sisters and the whole pantomime was thoroughly enjoyable. Especially sweet were the incredibly pissed off looking Shetland ponies that pulled Cinderella’s carriage at the end of the first act.

The highlights of the show for me were provided (as is often the case) by Mrs H3. First was her excited and very loud exclamation in response to the ghost song (the ‘it’s behind you’ moment) of “Ooh I love this bit!” But without a doubt the crowning moment was when the glass slipper smashed prompting Mrs H3 to gasp loudly in horror and cry out “What’s going to happen now?” This reaction actually stopped the performance for a couple of seconds while the cast looked at her, amazed that an adult would have such a reaction. I didn’t react that way for two reasons. Firstly I’d already spotted that the silver glitter shoe that they’d been using throughout the scene had been changed for a (stage) glass one, and of course, I knew the story.

The other entertaining thing about this pantomime was the man sitting next to me. It was clear from the moment we arrived that he didn’t want to be there. Obviously dragged along to the show by his girlfriend – who was as enthusiastic about the performance as we were – he refused to remove his coat and sat with his arms folded, scowling, rolling his eyes and sighing throughout the whole evening. At the interval he looked very upset as his girlfriend began to recount to him all her favourite bits from the first half as he disappeared off to the bar. At the end of the pantomime he tried to leave before the cast came back for their final encore and crowd sing-a-long, but his girlfriend refused to allow him to go. Consequently, he was about the only person in the theatre who didn’t stand up and sing and dance along with the cast. It’s a shame that he didn’t just go with the flow and try to enjoy himself, although he did give Mrs H3 and I plenty of amusement.

Peter Pan

Next came the hotly anticipated Peter Pan at the Fairfield Halls, Croydon starring Brian Blessed as the wonderful Captain Hook and Mrs H3 and I were very excited at the prospect of seeing the great man in action. We had procured front row seats for this show and we certainly weren’t disappointed. I think it would be fair to say that the two of us joined in with the pantomime so much that we might as well have been on stage. In fact I’m sure that many people there that night probably thought that we were plants because there was so much interaction between us and the cast.

It began with the usual offhanded comment to me from Hook and Smee, which we of course reacted to. When Smee then forgot his lines because he was laughing so much Mrs H3 helped him and offered to get up there and do it for him. This really set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Brian’s performance as Hook was superb and he really drew out every boo and hiss from the audience, stoking the crowd up until they raised the roof several times. His occasional interjections of seriousness, when he would pronounce gravely that there was a Shakespearean actor at work caused more laughter and even his come back to me on his pronouncement that he’d been educated at Eton – “Oh yes I was, read my book!” was brilliant.

He had a personal moment with Mrs H3 where he recounted various lines, including the ever-popular “Gordon’s Alive!” from Flash Gordon and then moved onto Star Wars before remembering that he was supposed to be doing the pantomime and people were waiting to come on stage. We were serenaded by he and Smee and even the other cast members were talking to and winking at us throughout the performance.

There was a little over-zealousness with the smoke machine which left the whole of the stage and the first five rows of the audience completely hidden by fog, causing me to have a major coughing fit (luckily I had my asthma puffer with me) – which led to a bit of ad libbing from the stage as it took a while to stop. The sighs of relief from the cast as it cleared were audible, as was the groan when the machine restarted – fortunately it was turned off again pretty quickly.

At one point I was approached by a member of the Fairfield Halls staff and told off for taking photos, as it was apparently putting the actors off. This wasn’t true though as while I was being reprimanded Brian was standing a little way downstage gesturing that I should ignore the man and then announced to the whole theatre that his girlfriend had just been told off for taking photos.

And then once again the crowning moment when Mrs H3 shouted out “I love you Hook,” to which Brian replied in surprise, obviously not used to not being booed, “Well, I’m not used to that.” A moment later the room rang with the sound of kids all shouting out “I love you Hook.” It was an extremely confused Hook that had to admit that he’d never had that reaction before!

The evening was an extremely pleasurable one, and for the cast as well as for us I think. They had done three performances that day and I’m sure that last performance was a hard one to drum up enthusiasm for, but hopefully we helped to make it more entertaining for them – certainly the speech that Brian gave at the end indicated that was the case.

This was definitely the best pantomime of the year and Mrs H3 and I agreed that for future pantomimes we really need to sit in the front row for maximum enjoyment (and because we’re good at starting the booing and cheering) and that we’d happily go anywhere in the country to see Brian Blessed in a pantomime.

Aladdin

So next was a weekday pantomime – Aladdin at the Assembly Halls, Tunbridge Wells. To be honest this was a rather late addition to the programme, chosen purely for the fact that it starred Chris Ellison (DCI Burnside in The Bill). It was quite a journey to get to the place and I wasn’t feeling all that well, but we were determined to enjoy ourselves as we were in the front row again.

About fifteen minutes into the pantomime, I began to wonder whether we’d made a mistake in going. Obviously my headache wasn’t helping things, but Chris Ellison was awful as Abanazer, seeming to merely go through the motions rather than get into the role. As a bad guy he was a complete wash out, blandly reciting his lines without any attempt at interacting with the audience. The thought did occur that having enjoyed Brian’s performance so much might have dulled or ruined the remaining pantomimes for us, but I gritted my teeth and tried to enjoy the rest of the show.

Unfortunately it was impossible. Widow Twankey was without doubt the worst Dame we’d seen – I knew as soon as ‘she’ started singing ‘The Boy Does Nothing’ that we were in the realms of truly terrible panto. Add to that the so-called ‘comedian’ who played Wishee Washee – a man who thought he was Elvis and had an annoying catch phrase that got more aggravating every time he appeared onstage, which was far too much for my liking. Then there was Aladdin who was so obviously female she was more feminine than the princess – and neither of them provided a performance good enough to sustain my interest. Finally came the genie of the ring, who did at least provide the one funny moment of the show when she told the audience that when the time came we were to tell Aladdin to rub his ring! (Yes that really was the best bit sadly).

One of the (many) places that the show fell down was in expecting the audience to remember and get involved in too many things – telling them to shout out “hello Wishee Washee” every time he appears is fine. Telling them then that they have to say different things whenever different actions occur makes it confusing and so the audience didn’t really interact at all without prompting from the cast which added to the lacklustre feeling of the evening.

At one stage I, wondering if it was just me feeling lousy that was putting a downer on it, asked Mrs H3 where on the pantomime scale she’d put Aladdin. Without a pause she said at the bottom and that it was rubbish – confirmation that I wasn’t alone. When the interval finally came some 1 hour and 45 minutes after the start of the show Mrs H3 said that she was happy to leave if I wanted to go. Obviously I didn’t want to drag her out just because I had a headache and wasn’t enjoying it, but she reminded me that after Prince Caspian we’d agreed never to miss a meal again because of rubbish, and the idea of a second half at least as long as the first (was this a world record for pantomime length?) with as little talent or fun was less compelling than the idea of watching paint dry. When Mrs H3 suggested we leave immediately, I took her up on her offer and we stopped only long enough to take the obligatory photo with the pantomime poster before making a run for it and heading for MacDonald’s.

Cinderella (again)

Now obviously after the event Mrs H3 and I had discussed the possibility of pantomime fatigue or disappointment after Brian’s sublime performance, but we were convinced that Aladdin was purely a terrible pantomime. The next on our list, Cinderella again, another weekday one, was the last that we’d added – and that of course was only because Joe Swash had won “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” and Mrs H3 wanted to see it. It had originally been dropped in favour of the Bromley one (as we only wanted to see one of each pantomime), but after Aladdin I was keen to see whether it was an enjoyable evening.

I have to admit that I didn’t go with high expectations (not knowing who the hell Joe Swash was and having even less interest in who he was) and I’m sure that Mrs H3 was much the same. Chatham is a small venue (although not as small as the Hazlitt Theatre) and after the splendour of the Bromley version I was expecting to be disappointed by the ‘small town-ness’ of it. Immediately on arrival came the first blow (for Mrs H3 at least) Joe Swash had been taken ill and wasn’t appearing (and ended up cancelling all his performances before Christmas). Instead his place was going to be taken by the show’s producer David Janson. Add to that the fact that we were in seats towards the back of the stalls instead of our preferred front of house ones and that there was already smoke billowing throughout the hall (necessitating the use of the asthma puffer again) before the performance and it wasn’t looking hopeful.

However, I have to say that the show was excellent. Not as grand as the Bromley production – although it did have plenty of sparkle, the performances were good - with the possible exception of the fat fairy godmother (although as a fatty myself I thought it was nice to see so many roles for fat people in this year’s pantomimes as all of them seemed to have one cast member who was plus size) and to my mind the replacement Buttons was probably better than Joe would have been. The Ugly Sisters were excellent, certainly as good if not better than the ones at Bromley. I was expecting a flatter climax to the first half, but it wasn’t to be – Chatham too had the Shetland ponies which elevated the pantomime completely. It should also be noted that it was the cheapest of the venues for ice cream – half the price of the Bromley and Croydon ones.

The second half, although not containing the breaking of the glass slipper, did have Mrs H3’s favourite “it’s behind you” scene and I was personally pleased that after being told to guard a big red button throughout the whole performance, they did actually press it at the end of the encore and released a roomful of confetti.

The crowd was a little muted to begin with, but we and a few other hardy souls soon got the place livened up and by the end almost everyone was joining in. Mrs H3 had her opportunity to take centre stage when Buttons complained that no one loved him. Of course her comment was “I love you Buttons” and she waved at him. His response was “I’ll see you after the show.” The hussy replied “You certainly will darlin’” causing a great deal of laughter.

The evening ended with a trip round some of the more interesting light displays in Walderslade followed by a stealth mission to get a photo of the Lindt reindeer car parked in the drive of one of my neighbours. All in all a good night and proof positive that we weren’t jaded – Aladdin really was crap.

There was then a brief respite while we got Christmas and New Year out of the way. Although we could have gone to a pantomime between the two I was waiting for Jo to give birth (she was due on 26th December) so we decided to give it a break in case I got the call.

Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs

Mrs H3 had met the star of our next pantomime while at her work’s Christmas party in a local restaurant in Catford and had spent some time talking to him and sharing profiteroles and wine. She told Antonio Fargas (Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch) that we were going to see the pantomime on 3rd January and he said he’d look out for us.

There was some excitement as we took our places in the second row, although there was a feeling that we were seeing the show at the wrong time with Christmas over. But once it started we were soon carried away by the performances and enjoyed it every bit as much as the previous shows.

Huggy the Henchman was good, but better was the Wicked Queen played by Nikki Kelly (from Hi-De-Hi), as were the comedians Francis and Wheatley who as ever stole the show – especially when they talked over Snow White and the Prince singing their love song and introduced a puppet of Yoda into the proceedings. The Dame was fun and even the Prince played by Russ Spencer from Scooch was entertaining, although the comedians were right – he did wear more makeup than Snow White and his singing was pretty bad.

An entertaining and incredibly adult themed panto – caused by considerable ad libbing (they were at the end of the run and I think they’d given up worrying), I estimated that the show was probably about fifteen minutes longer than it had been at the start of the run.

As we left we saw Mr Scooch leaving but we weren’t that interested as we were on our way to take a photo of the giant cat on the Catford shopping centre that Mrs H3 is always telling me about. On the way back to the car we found Antonio and after a brief chat had our photos taken with him after he signed our panto fliers – a good end to the official panto season.

So now only the amateur one left to go to – Mother Goose at the Oast Theatre in Rainham, which I am expecting to enjoy just as much as the last one that we saw there a few years ago. It’s a bonus that my mate Jen is taking part, and Andrea is coming with us. She joins in with these things just as much as Mrs H3 and I so a good evening is assured.

Yes, I know some of you are thinking that we’re completely insane – and that we should have better things to do with our lives – but we really don’t. And before you take the piss – try visiting the pantomime yourself this year and see just what fun it is! Oh and Mrs H3 tells me Bromley are doing Sleeping Beauty this year. No news yet on the star, but I’ll update as soon as we find out.