I seem to be having an epiphany. I don't know whether it's the bad time I’m having at work at the moment that's caused it or my age or what, but I’ve realised that I am really not very happy with my life. Now this isn’t exactly a revelation – anyone who knows me knows that mood swings are a major part of my life and that depression is a frequent visitor. However, this realisation goes deeper than me just feeling unhappy and tearful. I feel deep down in my core as if my life has gone seriously wrong somewhere and I am annoyed and frustrated at not knowing how or being able to change it. Furthermore, I have finally realised that being surrounded by ‘things’ isn’t making me any happier, if anything it’s draining me and dragging me down.
Of course this is where my current cleaning phase (and it has got way out of hand – I even happily cleaned my cooker last weekend!), and my recent motivation to get a different me is coming from. I am feeling the need for a complete life laundry. The realisation that I no longer want to keep things like a majority of my book collection is both scary and somewhat refreshing (although what to do with them is going to be a headache as I can’t bear to just throw it away). If I was being honest I’d really like to get rid of me completely and start again too, but unfortunately that isn’t going to happen, so hopefully the changes I am making will help. I am not sure if a complete overhaul of my home and my life will make things better for me or not. But it will sure as hell keep me busy for a while, and I guess that while I’m busy doing all that I’m not busy with depression and the self loathing that goes with it.
I’m a bit worried that this may be just another coping mechanism, the latest in a long line (which is where all my ‘things’ came from in the first place – collecting to make myself feel better) and I wonder what will happen if I wake up one day feeling the exact opposite of how I feel now. Will the fact that I’ve let everything go be enough to send me over the edge for good? Maybe, but until it happens I won't know for sure and worrying about that happening is not a good reason to back off from my resolve. Whatever happens in the future, I can only try to live for today and make myself happy in the here and now, not worry about the hereafter.
Of course this is where my current cleaning phase (and it has got way out of hand – I even happily cleaned my cooker last weekend!), and my recent motivation to get a different me is coming from. I am feeling the need for a complete life laundry. The realisation that I no longer want to keep things like a majority of my book collection is both scary and somewhat refreshing (although what to do with them is going to be a headache as I can’t bear to just throw it away). If I was being honest I’d really like to get rid of me completely and start again too, but unfortunately that isn’t going to happen, so hopefully the changes I am making will help. I am not sure if a complete overhaul of my home and my life will make things better for me or not. But it will sure as hell keep me busy for a while, and I guess that while I’m busy doing all that I’m not busy with depression and the self loathing that goes with it.
I’m a bit worried that this may be just another coping mechanism, the latest in a long line (which is where all my ‘things’ came from in the first place – collecting to make myself feel better) and I wonder what will happen if I wake up one day feeling the exact opposite of how I feel now. Will the fact that I’ve let everything go be enough to send me over the edge for good? Maybe, but until it happens I won't know for sure and worrying about that happening is not a good reason to back off from my resolve. Whatever happens in the future, I can only try to live for today and make myself happy in the here and now, not worry about the hereafter.
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