Every Cloud's Got A Silver Lining?

I’ve been having a bit of a rough time for the last week or so. A week ago today I received a letter at work telling me that my post will cease to exist on 31 March 2012. Now I knew this was coming, at least I was aware of the likelihood as I’d been told last year it was going to happen. But since then there had been radio silence on what exactly was happening or when, apart from rumours suggesting that nothing more had been heard as it still wasn’t certain to happen. So receiving the letter was a bit like hearing that someone who you knew was ill and had been for a while had died. It wasn’t unexpected, but it was still a shock – and it still hurt.

The loss of my post makes me very angry when I think about it, as for a second time within my current career, the time I have spent training for my specialism has been thrown away for no seemingly good reason. Whilst I am aware that the decisions were based purely on post rather than anything else (or so I’ve been assured by my section head), it annoys me that other people within my division with no relevant experience or training are actively seeking to leave and yet their posts are remaining. Of course these people are at a higher grade, because once again the cuts have removed the remaining lower grade posts to ensure the higher still have a job.

In reality I suppose I am lucky that the loss of a post doesn’t mean the loss of my job (at the moment, although compulsory redundancies must be coming soon as the Department has to reach the 40% target imposed by the Government and they just aren't getting the numbers through voluntary redundancies, and I don’t want to be without a post when that happens). Even once my post ends, I will still be employed, but need to find a different post within the Department. And this too is causing me some distress. Whilst I haven’t yet been shown the whole range of posts available to the “redeployment pool” which will be my new home from the beginning of April, the ones which have been posted for general consumption have been insipid, tedious or generally of such poor quality that it is almost enough to induce a severe bout of depression whenever I look at them – and quite often reduces me to tears. I am hoping that once the pool is open to me there will be something with a little more quality about it, but to be honest I’m not holding my breath. I am also hoping that I can get something in London (not guaranteed as I’m classified as mobile and therefore theoretically could be posted anywhere in the country, although being frank I’d rather get posted to the Falkland Islands than Bristol – at least I’d make some decent money and get to see penguins in their natural habitat!)

Of course, neither of my specialisms are likely to make an appearance, as the IT jobs were all contracted out a long time ago and Health and Safety doesn’t seem to be very popular at the moment and most H&S jobs are dead-men’s shoes. Unfortunately the biggest H&S section and the one in London, is the one from which I am losing my post anyway.

I have been wondering whether my career would have been any more successful if I hadn’t followed the advice that the Department gave out in the late nineties that people should develop one or more ‘anchors’ – streams of specialism that would see them through their career. Maybe if I hadn’t bothered getting all that training, doing all that extra work to make myself more employable and get a better quality job I’d be rattling along somewhere in a safe job, or maybe I’d still be in HR (which come to think of it is a third specialism)RHRh.     

As if my week wasn’t bad enough I also received a lot of bad financial news too, which, when I received a nasty letter about the Council Tax was the final nail in the coffin. The despair, pain and general self-loathing which had been building up for quite some time erupted like Mount Vesuvius.

Having been in this position depression-wise many times in the past I know how hard it is to drag myself out of the pit of despair once I’m there and was seriously considering that I might need to pay a visit to the doctor (something that Moodscope has been suggesting for a few weeks now) as retreating to bed to bury my head in the sand doesn’t help to sort my finances or find me another post. But then, when I was probably at my lowest point for a long time I read a blog post by a friend, Mel, which made me stop and think.

I haven’t yet read The Fault in Our Stars by John Green as I can’t afford to get it at the moment, but everyone I know who has read it (and that’s a lot of people from the HP fandom) all loved the book and raved about how much it had made them laugh and cry, just as Mel described. And her admonition to enjoy life, along with her list of the brilliant things she had done last year made me sit down and think about all the amazing things I did last year too.

As a natural depressive it’s sometimes hard to think about the good things that have happened as the bad always seems to overshadow them. It’s hard to think about the little pleasures, the enjoyment one has taken in reading a book, for example, when everything in your future looks bleak, or you’re still holding onto the bad things that have already happened. For instance I once vaguely considered joining a dating website but gave up the idea when I reached the question which asked me to explain what I was thankful for. At the time this question was impossible for me to answer, because I couldn’t think of a single good thing in my life (I was deep in the midst of the worst bout of depression I’d had for many years at the time). I’m not entirely sure I could answer it satisfactorily now, but I could at least cobble together some sort of answer. And after reading Mel’s blog I could at least think about the good things that happened last year.

And do you know what? They really did outweigh the bad things (with the possible exception of dad’s death which was a massive bad thing).

Thinking about the good made me more positive, and that in turn made me more determined. I finally tackled all the rubbish that I’ve been storing in my flat, meaning to get rid of, but never quite getting round to doing it - meaning that I finally have a little space to breathe. It’s only a start and there’s more that needs to be done, but it is definitely a start and I already feel that I can better cope with what’s left (before I often considered setting fire to the flat just to get away from it all).

Then I tackled my finances. It turned out that there had been a series of computer errors which were fairly easily sorted once I summoned up the nerve to contact the various companies. Of course finances are still tight, after all it’s that really long month after the Christmas overspend, but at least I now know that with careful budgeting I can afford to live, although unfortunately not in the style to which I’d like to become accustomed – I really do still need to win the lottery or marry a millionaire for that to happen.        

Now I have to sort out my job, and in particular I need to write a CV and my competences. This is something that has been giving me trouble since I first found out that I was going to lose my post, but I think I’m finally ready to deal with it and hopefully with a little positivity I’ll be able to make a good enough job of it to get a decent post.

I did, for a very short while, entertain the idea of leaving the Civil Service and going to work at Leavesden at the Warner Brothers Studio Tour (which opens just as my post finishes), as it would be an ideal for job for me. I even discussed it with a few people, all of whom were equally sure that it would be a great choice for me (let’s face it, a chance to dress up and show off my knowledge of Harry Potter = heaven). But in reality it wasn’t a good choice. Whilst the job would be great, I imagine the money isn’t wonderful and I am far too old, as they are looking for youngsters who are willing to work for the enjoyment rather than the money. And with my current financial commitments I have to seriously consider the money. It was also too far away. A huge trek to get to work every day does not make for a healthy mind and body as I already know, even if you get to dress up as a witch at the end of it.      

And so next week is my birthday, another potentially depressing day when I realise that yet another year has gone by without me becoming significantly skinnier, wealthier or more loved. But whereas earlier this week the black cloud of my despair had already turned the day into something bad because of my inability to afford to celebrate in any way, my new more positive self is looking forward to it. Yes, I might be another year older and all those bad things may still be true. But it’s the start of a new year where, if I can keep up the positive outlook, great things could happen. And I know, that even without the money to celebrate in style, I have friends who care for me enough to make my day special regardless of what we do.